Poop: Solid waste passed through the colon and the anus during defecation.
A few facts of poop: About 3/4 of your average turd is made of water. Of course, this value is highly variable - the water content of diarrhea is much higher, and the amount of water in poop that has been retained (voluntarily or otherwise) is lower. Water is absorbed out of fecal material as it passes through the intestine, so the longer a turd resides inside before emerging, the drier it will be. Of the remaining portion of the turd, about 1/3 is composed of dead bacteria. These microcorpses come from the intestinal garden of microorganisms that assist us in the digestion of our food. Another 1/3 of the turd mass is made of stuff that we find indigestible, like cellulose, for instance. This indigestible material is called "fiber," and is useful in getting the turd to move along through the intestine, perhaps because it provides traction. The remaining portion of the turd is a mixture of fats such as cholesterol, inorganic salts like phosphates, live bacteria, dead cells and mucus from the lining of the intestine, and protein.
Poop stinks as a result of the products of bacterial action. Bacteria produce smelly, sulfur- or nitrogen-rich organic compounds such as indole, skatole, and mercaptans, and the inorganic gas hydrogen sulfide. These are the same compounds that give farts their odor.
Its a known fact of life, everyone shits. Yes, even your mother, girlfriend, and the virgin Mary take a huge dump every once and awhile. Wether you call it, poop, shit, pinching a loaf, crap, dump, or turd, everyone is guilty of it. You know the popular saying; only two things in life a guaranteed. Death and taxes. Well I have to say there are three, death, taxes and shit. Constipation is no way to go through life. Where would we be with out poop? It is a great indicator of health and without it our civilization would be dismal. Shit can be recycled for fuel. People use is for sport in chow chip tossing. I personally would like to see how big a shit a Yettie could produce. Over my 22 years I have a million stories about shit. I know everyone does. My friends and I are rather close and know every thing about everyone, including what goes on in the bathroom, or in some cases the wild out doors. I wont go into specifics but here are a few keywords that may spark a few of my friends memories: Twin towers, Nebraska Corn Field, Wolf River, Lake Porter Woodersons, Secret Santa and 5 perfect brats. There are so many more. By now you are either intrigued or disgusted, feel free to stop reading or go on.............
Inspiration for today’s Blog occurred walking home from work today. I step outside on my venture home from Roseman hall and it hits me, oh my gosh I have to shit. I made it as far as Heide hall when I had to go inside and shit. If you’re not familiar with Whitewater campus the distance from Roseman to Heide is about 200 feet. Needles to say it was a Windy City Shit. Not familiar with what that is? I didn’t expect you to be. That is why I have compiled this list of shits and their descriptions. Some of these I took from the Internet with a few modifications and some my friends and I have created ourselves over the years. With out further ado here they are:
***No human being on Earth can ever admit to not experiencing at least 10 of these in their lives.***
Ghost Shit: You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.
Teflon Coated Shit: Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on
the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet bowl to be sure you did it! (I actually have invented a butthole surgery that produces such a shit every time. Jim feels as if it is a stupid invention. Let me ask you Jim do you want Teflon shits for the rest of your life or these…………..
Gooey Shit: This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
Second Thought Shit: You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.
Blow an O Ring Shit: This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Jenny Craig Shit: You shit so much you lose 5lbs.
Right Now Shit: You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down (I think Jim is king of this one. I don’t have enough fingers to count the number of times I have seen Jim get up grab his and run to the toilet screaming oh God, oh God!)
King Kong Shit: This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house. (Word on the street is Dietz shits King Kongs. The King Kong is a distant cousin of the Poker Outer).
Poker Outer Shit: Down the hole and out the water, now that’s what you call a poker outer.
Wet Cheeks Shit: This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.
Wish Shit: You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!
Cement Block Shit: This occurs when a shit is so damn hard you feel you just shit a brick.
Snake Shit: This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.
Beer Drunk Shit: This happens the day after a night of drinking. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. It often consists of two or more of previously described shits all in one for example a wet cheeks shits combined with a ring of fire shit…..sick)
The Frightened Turtle: The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in.
The Bungee Shit: The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.
The Ring of Fire Shit: The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter. Burning sensation usually persists for 20-30 minutes post shit.
The Crippler: The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Big Bobber: The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.
The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang: The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Incredible Hulk Shit: The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.
The Jack the Ripper Shit: The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.
The Party Pooper: The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
The Toxic Gas Shit: The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town butt naked laying next to Koontz.
Dirty Bowl Shit: The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
The Windy City Shit: When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.
Oh Shit! Shit: You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT! The Never Ending Shit It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out.
Cork & Water Shit: You sit down expecting the worst and amazingly its hard……..then the “cork” comes out and the worst in fact does occur, massive amounts of butt piss flow out your ass.
Ok so there you have it. A complete list of shits. I hope you feel that much smarter for reading this.
In other news, I have to say that I am really pissed off about not being able to watch quite possibly Brett Favres final Lambeau Field Game. I expect Travis and Jim to be chanting "One more year". I'm not even joking when I say I might cry when he decides to hang it up.
I am very excited for the sweater party. I am also very enraged that other people are having their own ugly sweater parties. I feel as if they should be paying homage to us as the creators of such an event. This is out 4th annual party, I doubt anyone has reached such a feat.
A few facts of poop: About 3/4 of your average turd is made of water. Of course, this value is highly variable - the water content of diarrhea is much higher, and the amount of water in poop that has been retained (voluntarily or otherwise) is lower. Water is absorbed out of fecal material as it passes through the intestine, so the longer a turd resides inside before emerging, the drier it will be. Of the remaining portion of the turd, about 1/3 is composed of dead bacteria. These microcorpses come from the intestinal garden of microorganisms that assist us in the digestion of our food. Another 1/3 of the turd mass is made of stuff that we find indigestible, like cellulose, for instance. This indigestible material is called "fiber," and is useful in getting the turd to move along through the intestine, perhaps because it provides traction. The remaining portion of the turd is a mixture of fats such as cholesterol, inorganic salts like phosphates, live bacteria, dead cells and mucus from the lining of the intestine, and protein.
Poop stinks as a result of the products of bacterial action. Bacteria produce smelly, sulfur- or nitrogen-rich organic compounds such as indole, skatole, and mercaptans, and the inorganic gas hydrogen sulfide. These are the same compounds that give farts their odor.
Its a known fact of life, everyone shits. Yes, even your mother, girlfriend, and the virgin Mary take a huge dump every once and awhile. Wether you call it, poop, shit, pinching a loaf, crap, dump, or turd, everyone is guilty of it. You know the popular saying; only two things in life a guaranteed. Death and taxes. Well I have to say there are three, death, taxes and shit. Constipation is no way to go through life. Where would we be with out poop? It is a great indicator of health and without it our civilization would be dismal. Shit can be recycled for fuel. People use is for sport in chow chip tossing. I personally would like to see how big a shit a Yettie could produce. Over my 22 years I have a million stories about shit. I know everyone does. My friends and I are rather close and know every thing about everyone, including what goes on in the bathroom, or in some cases the wild out doors. I wont go into specifics but here are a few keywords that may spark a few of my friends memories: Twin towers, Nebraska Corn Field, Wolf River, Lake Porter Woodersons, Secret Santa and 5 perfect brats. There are so many more. By now you are either intrigued or disgusted, feel free to stop reading or go on.............
Inspiration for today’s Blog occurred walking home from work today. I step outside on my venture home from Roseman hall and it hits me, oh my gosh I have to shit. I made it as far as Heide hall when I had to go inside and shit. If you’re not familiar with Whitewater campus the distance from Roseman to Heide is about 200 feet. Needles to say it was a Windy City Shit. Not familiar with what that is? I didn’t expect you to be. That is why I have compiled this list of shits and their descriptions. Some of these I took from the Internet with a few modifications and some my friends and I have created ourselves over the years. With out further ado here they are:
***No human being on Earth can ever admit to not experiencing at least 10 of these in their lives.***
Ghost Shit: You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.
Teflon Coated Shit: Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on
the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet bowl to be sure you did it! (I actually have invented a butthole surgery that produces such a shit every time. Jim feels as if it is a stupid invention. Let me ask you Jim do you want Teflon shits for the rest of your life or these…………..
Gooey Shit: This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
Second Thought Shit: You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.
Blow an O Ring Shit: This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Jenny Craig Shit: You shit so much you lose 5lbs.
Right Now Shit: You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down (I think Jim is king of this one. I don’t have enough fingers to count the number of times I have seen Jim get up grab his and run to the toilet screaming oh God, oh God!)
King Kong Shit: This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house. (Word on the street is Dietz shits King Kongs. The King Kong is a distant cousin of the Poker Outer).
Poker Outer Shit: Down the hole and out the water, now that’s what you call a poker outer.
Wet Cheeks Shit: This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.
Wish Shit: You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!
Cement Block Shit: This occurs when a shit is so damn hard you feel you just shit a brick.
Snake Shit: This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.
Beer Drunk Shit: This happens the day after a night of drinking. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. It often consists of two or more of previously described shits all in one for example a wet cheeks shits combined with a ring of fire shit…..sick)
The Frightened Turtle: The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in.
The Bungee Shit: The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.
The Ring of Fire Shit: The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter. Burning sensation usually persists for 20-30 minutes post shit.
The Crippler: The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Big Bobber: The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.
The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang: The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Incredible Hulk Shit: The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.
The Jack the Ripper Shit: The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.
The Party Pooper: The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
The Toxic Gas Shit: The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town butt naked laying next to Koontz.
Dirty Bowl Shit: The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
The Windy City Shit: When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.
Oh Shit! Shit: You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT! The Never Ending Shit It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out.
Cork & Water Shit: You sit down expecting the worst and amazingly its hard……..then the “cork” comes out and the worst in fact does occur, massive amounts of butt piss flow out your ass.
Ok so there you have it. A complete list of shits. I hope you feel that much smarter for reading this.
In other news, I have to say that I am really pissed off about not being able to watch quite possibly Brett Favres final Lambeau Field Game. I expect Travis and Jim to be chanting "One more year". I'm not even joking when I say I might cry when he decides to hang it up.I am very excited for the sweater party. I am also very enraged that other people are having their own ugly sweater parties. I feel as if they should be paying homage to us as the creators of such an event. This is out 4th annual party, I doubt anyone has reached such a feat.
To cap of my blog I would like to leave you with a link to a great Dane Cook bit about shit........
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSFhX28KN_k
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSFhX28KN_k
2 comments:
The Teflon Coated surgery, if actually done, would very likely be considered one of the best inventions known to man. Nobel Peace Prize worthy even. At the very least, Time Magazine's Man of the Year. Also, not often am I confused (beginning description of shit), intrigued (anticipating the list), happy (reading the list), and sad (Brett Favre) all within a couple of minutes, but this post did it. Now that's a good blog.
The butthole surgery could possibly work, but in the way that Kevin originally described it to me it is impossible. You need to do a lot of work and also make it quick and painless, maybe when you are born it is done, so you never know it happened. But if everyone had that how could we have great shit stories? A quick one to add, The Swampwater Shit - that is the shit the Sunday after Utica Fest and you've been drinking swampwaters all night, so you actually shit flourescent green the next day, it's like the color of the secret of the ooze. Kevin sent me a text message yesterday that said, "I'm shitting in heide right now" I also received one about two weeks ago that told me he was shitting in winther. Thanks Kevin for keeping my updated. Go Pack Go! I went to that last home game last year too and wasn't worried, he'll be back next year. I love Brett.
Post a Comment