What the Hell Is That On Your Face?

"Here's a quarter. Go downtown and pay a rat to gnaw that thing off your face." - John Candy

Ahhh yes any true John Candy fan knows this line is from the movie Uncle Buck. I myself have used this line from time to time. While I may not say it to someones face I will mention it to my friends. This leads me to my topic of discussion, "What the hell is that on your face?".

Seriously who hasn't walked down the street noticed someone and simply thought that very phrase to them self. I have decided to compile a list of people who may at one point in there lives actually been asked such a question. While some of the people may not be able to help their current state of hideousness, others on the other hand could, but by some unknown reason choose not to. The following is a top 4 list of people I would love to ask the question, "What the hell is that on your face?"

#4: Number four on my list goes to the popular former heavy weight champion of the world, Iron Mike Tyson. Mike has had a rough life. At one point he is on top of the Boxing world and the next he is in prison for rape charges. Ok the fact he is bankrupt, washed up, old, quoted as saying he wants to eat children and been charged with rape about 6 times, plus sounds like he has been castrated, are more than likely the least of his troubles. However he was once quoted as saying he is going to "fade into oblivion". Well if by fade into oblivion he means put a gigantic tattoo on his face, I'd say he succeeded. There are two things I live by in my life; one is never kiss your dad, its just something you dont do. Number two is don't tattoo your face no matter what.

#3: The position of number 3 goes to MVP candidate Drew Brees. While Brees is playing out of his mind currently, I have always held a grudge against him during his playing days at Purdue. Now I am starting to like him, way more than Carson Palmer, whom everyone seems to like. If I had it my way it would be Carson with the hideous birth mark on his face not Drew. Unfortunately things did not turn out this way. Besides then we wouldn't have Carson Palmer disease now would we Jim? Perhaps that would mean we have Drew Brees disease, which I might say rolls of the tongue nicely. Drew was actually a large inspiration for this blog. I was able to find a quote from Drew concerning his birthmark:

"The attention can be tough to handle," he says. "A lot of times, I'll run down to Subway and eat lunch alone. I can feel the eyes on me. It must be a quarterback's peripheral vision. But sometimes I'm not sure if they are talking about me because of who I am or because of the birthmark on my cheek."

I have a feeling that if I saw him at Subway he would get a chicken, bacon, ranch foot long. Just a guess but he looks like he loves bacon.

#2: The title of runner up goes to someone we all know personally. Unlike Drew Brees, this character had chosen to do this to his face. Wondering who it is? Well its none other than our dear friend Clay "bulldog" Johnson. If anyone remembers the period of time between October and November of 2004, then they remember Clays splitters. Now I feel a little guilty about this because I encouraged Clay to keep them. Recently Clay and I bought new IDs at the DMV. The main motivation for Clay was because he actually had the splitters in his photo. When reflecting on Clays "stalagmites" as his friend Rick Rasmussen called them, I remember a conversation between Clay, myself and Laurel Thur:

"Clay I cant believe you cut them off" -Me

"I had to, I didn't want them anymore" - Clay

"Good" (said in a very discrete manor) - Laurel

I'm not positive but there may not be a single female in this universe who found those splitters attractive. Sorry Clay, you look good now.

#1: At number 1 on my list is singer and songwriter SEAL (yes its all capitols). I must start by saying if I had the choice of looking like that and having a wife like Heidi Klum, hell sign me up. I of course cannot mention SEAL with out mentioning the Batman Forever theme of "Kiss by a Rose". No man, woman or child can say with confidence they haven't sang along to this song at one time or another. Personally this song will hold a spot in my heart for the remainder of my life, most likely right next to "We built this City" by Starship and "La La La La" by Stagga Lee. In fact I feel a little sorry for SEAL, as some research done found the source of his scars:

SEAL's facial scars are due to a from of Lupus. His form of lupus is called Discoid Lupus Erythematosus, which attacks the skin and can leave terrible scarring. Fortunately, SEAL's flare was an isolated incident in childhood and he has been in remission since then. Anyways I have to wonder what the offspring of SEAL and Heide Klum would look like, if I had to guess I would say something like this.........

So there you have it, the top 4 people I would love to ask the question of "what the hell is on your face?" I'm sure there are many more that are slipping my mind at the moment. And of course what blog of mine wouldn't be complete without a McConaughey mention. Link of the day is of Matt Damon doing his best impression of Matt McConaughey, its pretty good I think:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=CuYD2cwMbpw